When someone thinks that the purpose of Tochecha is to point out to someone all of his wrongdoings, he is making a huge mistake. This behavior is damaging and is the opposite of Tochecha. Don't allow yourself to be sucked in by someone's public denials to think that he is unaware of what he is doing; he knows exactly where he is falling short. When you insist on pointing out all of his mstakes all you are doing is pouring salt on pre-existing wounds. Even if you have the best intentions, that the person should improve his behavior, your actions are wrong and damaging.
What is needed is to emphasize how good the person is, strengthen his self-image, only then will he find the inner will to pull himself out of the mud. This is not accomplished with words, too many words show that you don't really believe what you are saying.
A person would not go over to a donkey and begin to rebuke it because it isn't allowing another donkey to eat the grass. A donkey is a donkey and there is no hope that it will learn to behave in a more considerate manner towards others. Tochecha comes from the fact that you believe and know that the person has the ability to be different, it comes from your belief in his greatness not your awareness of his deficiencies. It is grasping the good of the person that has not yet been actualized, and is an attempt to open the person to a vision of what he can aspire to. The greatest gift that one can offer is letting another person know how much you believe in them to the extent that you understand that any wrongdoing on his part is not truly who he is. You don't identify the other person with his mistakes.
When a person identifies himself by his mistakes he begins to give up on ever being good. The primary goal of one's Yetzer Hora is to have the person develop a negative self-image. Once that is accomplished the person stops fighting. When you comes to give Tochecha you aren't meant to be fighting the other person, you are fighting any areas in which he has given up on himself. You have to let him know that the evil does not define him and that you believe in his innate goodness.
דברים תתי"ג
What is needed is to emphasize how good the person is, strengthen his self-image, only then will he find the inner will to pull himself out of the mud. This is not accomplished with words, too many words show that you don't really believe what you are saying.
A person would not go over to a donkey and begin to rebuke it because it isn't allowing another donkey to eat the grass. A donkey is a donkey and there is no hope that it will learn to behave in a more considerate manner towards others. Tochecha comes from the fact that you believe and know that the person has the ability to be different, it comes from your belief in his greatness not your awareness of his deficiencies. It is grasping the good of the person that has not yet been actualized, and is an attempt to open the person to a vision of what he can aspire to. The greatest gift that one can offer is letting another person know how much you believe in them to the extent that you understand that any wrongdoing on his part is not truly who he is. You don't identify the other person with his mistakes.
When a person identifies himself by his mistakes he begins to give up on ever being good. The primary goal of one's Yetzer Hora is to have the person develop a negative self-image. Once that is accomplished the person stops fighting. When you comes to give Tochecha you aren't meant to be fighting the other person, you are fighting any areas in which he has given up on himself. You have to let him know that the evil does not define him and that you believe in his innate goodness.
דברים תתי"ג
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