טובה תוכחה מגולה מאהבה מסותרת
The deep love which much underlie any Tochecha (rebuke) is not meant to just be hidden in the heart but must be externally visible and define the Tochecha. One might think that Tochecha which is focused on the negative is the opposite of love which only sees good. This Pasuk is telling us the opposite that the point of Tochecha is to find the good in a person, not the bad.
Prior to beginning to offer someone Tochecha one must ensure that he is infused and inspired by love. "What do I really think of this person when I am alone? Do I value him and his capabilities? " These are very critical pre-Tochecha inner discussions. It is vital that a parent prior to offering Tochecha to a child see both the potential of the child as well as the good that is present right now. The parent must see beyond what his child is at the moment and see the purity of his heart, what a beautiful human being he is and the light that will eventually shine from him. If a person cannot see the good within someone else, be it a child or a friend, he has no business starting to offer Tochecha.
Evil, which by its very nature focuses on the superficial, manifests itself in ways that are easy to see. It is easy to recognize and discern evil. The evil within any person is noticed by himself just as easily as others can see it. One must begin with the assumption that most people know their own weaknesses and challenges and they are very pained by them. In contrary to the common misconception that the purpose of Tochecha is to point out to someone shortcomings of which he is unaware, in the vast majority of cases this is completely unnecessary. Not only is the other person aware of his shortcomings, but he is full of despair and pain over their existence.
Furthermore, even is a person denies his shortcomings and responds vigorously with denials to those who point them out, this is only external. Internally he is very aware of his own issues and the pain is so bad that he wants to hide from it. His denials emanate from a desire to avoid this depressing topic. He is so ashamed of the fact that others have become aware of his deficiencies and his self-esteem is taking a huge hit. He is in denial in order to protect his self-respect.
When a person engages in criticism, not only is he mistaken in the assumption that the other person needs to be made aware of his wrongdoing, but he may be causing even more damage. The point of criticism is not to point out weaknesses, it is something much deeper.
דברים תת"ט
The deep love which much underlie any Tochecha (rebuke) is not meant to just be hidden in the heart but must be externally visible and define the Tochecha. One might think that Tochecha which is focused on the negative is the opposite of love which only sees good. This Pasuk is telling us the opposite that the point of Tochecha is to find the good in a person, not the bad.
Prior to beginning to offer someone Tochecha one must ensure that he is infused and inspired by love. "What do I really think of this person when I am alone? Do I value him and his capabilities? " These are very critical pre-Tochecha inner discussions. It is vital that a parent prior to offering Tochecha to a child see both the potential of the child as well as the good that is present right now. The parent must see beyond what his child is at the moment and see the purity of his heart, what a beautiful human being he is and the light that will eventually shine from him. If a person cannot see the good within someone else, be it a child or a friend, he has no business starting to offer Tochecha.
Evil, which by its very nature focuses on the superficial, manifests itself in ways that are easy to see. It is easy to recognize and discern evil. The evil within any person is noticed by himself just as easily as others can see it. One must begin with the assumption that most people know their own weaknesses and challenges and they are very pained by them. In contrary to the common misconception that the purpose of Tochecha is to point out to someone shortcomings of which he is unaware, in the vast majority of cases this is completely unnecessary. Not only is the other person aware of his shortcomings, but he is full of despair and pain over their existence.
Furthermore, even is a person denies his shortcomings and responds vigorously with denials to those who point them out, this is only external. Internally he is very aware of his own issues and the pain is so bad that he wants to hide from it. His denials emanate from a desire to avoid this depressing topic. He is so ashamed of the fact that others have become aware of his deficiencies and his self-esteem is taking a huge hit. He is in denial in order to protect his self-respect.
When a person engages in criticism, not only is he mistaken in the assumption that the other person needs to be made aware of his wrongdoing, but he may be causing even more damage. The point of criticism is not to point out weaknesses, it is something much deeper.
דברים תת"ט
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