There is a common misconception that assumes that most people think that they are good and are in denial of their shortcomings. The truth is the opposite. That which is wrong is very evident both to the person as well as to others. Every person knows the deficiencies of his heart and they cause him great pain. Guilt is rampant within Judaism, more often than not to a much greater degree than is reasonable. It is a destructive emotion which affects a person's self-image, his joi de vivre, his sense of success, and his knowledge of his innate abilities and goodness.
The good parts of a person are generally well hidden. A person may not have awareness and recognition of them and he is unsure if he is good. People who try to tell you how good they are are usually people who need to hear their own self-assurances as a means of trying to get themselves to believe in their own innate goodness. Only people who are truly convinced of their own goodness have the ability to be honest of the places where they are lacking. It is their own sense of security which empowers them not to fear their challenges which they know are only superficial. But when you see a person denying a fault, the denial does not emanate from wickedness, on the contrary, it comes from a deep desire to be good that leaves him frightened of his faults. He is afraid that if he would admit his faults they would define who he is, and he refuses to accept that.
To offer someone Tochecha one must be mature, introspective, and able to see the good in others. He must see the others' good so completely that he is not at all influenced by their shortcomings. He realizes that they are merely superficial and temporary. This is the deep love that is required. Not merely to care about the other, but to see him from a perspective of Chesed that only focuses on the good. Recognizing the good he has a desire to remove the bad from the other, as he knows that it is truly foreign to him and not fit for the person he is.
The primary aim of Tochecha is not to point out where the person is doing wrong, just the opposite, it is pointing out the good in him and emphasizing it. The person receiving the Tochecha must be made aware of the fact that he is good through and through.
This is different than merely praising a person. Praise is generally focused on superficial acts of another person. It celebrates how the inner good of the person manifested itself externally. It is limited in that it does not truly address the entire person, and in that you don't want the recipient of the praise to be filled with hubris when hearing how wonderful he is. Tochecha delves deeply into the potential of the person which is much greater than any good that he has already demonstrated.
דברים תתי"א
The good parts of a person are generally well hidden. A person may not have awareness and recognition of them and he is unsure if he is good. People who try to tell you how good they are are usually people who need to hear their own self-assurances as a means of trying to get themselves to believe in their own innate goodness. Only people who are truly convinced of their own goodness have the ability to be honest of the places where they are lacking. It is their own sense of security which empowers them not to fear their challenges which they know are only superficial. But when you see a person denying a fault, the denial does not emanate from wickedness, on the contrary, it comes from a deep desire to be good that leaves him frightened of his faults. He is afraid that if he would admit his faults they would define who he is, and he refuses to accept that.
To offer someone Tochecha one must be mature, introspective, and able to see the good in others. He must see the others' good so completely that he is not at all influenced by their shortcomings. He realizes that they are merely superficial and temporary. This is the deep love that is required. Not merely to care about the other, but to see him from a perspective of Chesed that only focuses on the good. Recognizing the good he has a desire to remove the bad from the other, as he knows that it is truly foreign to him and not fit for the person he is.
The primary aim of Tochecha is not to point out where the person is doing wrong, just the opposite, it is pointing out the good in him and emphasizing it. The person receiving the Tochecha must be made aware of the fact that he is good through and through.
This is different than merely praising a person. Praise is generally focused on superficial acts of another person. It celebrates how the inner good of the person manifested itself externally. It is limited in that it does not truly address the entire person, and in that you don't want the recipient of the praise to be filled with hubris when hearing how wonderful he is. Tochecha delves deeply into the potential of the person which is much greater than any good that he has already demonstrated.
דברים תתי"א
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