Tochecha - Born of Love

טובה תוכחה מגולה מאהבה מסותרת
The deep love which much underlie any Tochecha (rebuke) is not meant to just be hidden in the heart but must be externally visible and define the Tochecha. One might think that Tochecha which is focused on the negative is the opposite of love which only sees good. This Pasuk is telling us the opposite that the point of Tochecha is to find the good in a person, not the bad.
Prior to beginning to offer someone Tochecha one must ensure that he is infused and inspired by love. "What do I really think of this person when I am alone? Do I value him and his capabilities? " These are very critical pre-Tochecha inner discussions. It is vital that a parent prior to offering Tochecha to a child see both the potential of the child as well as the good that is present right now. The parent must see beyond what his child is at the moment and see the purity of his heart, what a beautiful human being he is and the light that will eventually shine from him. If a person cannot see the good within someone else, be it a child or a friend, he has no business starting to offer Tochecha.
Evil, which by its very nature focuses on the superficial, manifests itself in ways that are easy to see. It is easy to recognize and discern evil. The evil within any person is noticed by himself just as easily as others can see it. One must begin with the assumption that most people know their own weaknesses and challenges and they are very pained by them. In contrary to the common misconception that the purpose of Tochecha is to point out to someone shortcomings of which he is unaware, in the vast majority of cases this is completely unnecessary. Not only is the other person aware of his shortcomings, but he is full of despair and pain over their existence.
Furthermore, even is a person denies his shortcomings and responds vigorously with denials to those who point them out, this is only external. Internally he is very aware of his own issues and the pain is so bad that he wants to hide from it. His denials emanate from a desire to avoid this depressing topic. He is so ashamed of the fact that others have become aware of his deficiencies and his self-esteem is taking a huge hit. He is in denial in order to protect his self-respect.
When a person engages in criticism, not only is he mistaken in the assumption that the other person needs to be made aware of his wrongdoing, but he may be causing even more damage. The point of criticism is not to point out weaknesses, it is something much deeper.
דברים תת"ט

Tochecha- The Challenge

My next few posts are based on an essay by HaChalban on Parshas Ha'Azinu about Tochecha, usually translated as "rebuke." However, based on how the Chalban explains the concept I am choosing to eschew the English translation so that we don't lose focus of the full richness of his explanation. CL

Tochecha is rooted in love. It is important to understand this in order to comprehend both the purpose and methodology of successful Tochecha. Superficially Tochecha would appear to be rooted in Din (judgement) and to be focused on the areas in which a person is weak and deficient. However, we see from many Pesukim that this is not the case. כי את אשר יאהב ה' יוכיח, He who God loves he gives Tochecha, is but one such example.

Indeed the fact that Tochecha is aimed at getting someone to change is an expression of Din which is focused on building a person and improving him. Chesed is an act of bestowing and is primarily centered on the one who is giving, in contrast to Din which is focused on the recipient, his needs and his abilities. Any act which is centered on the improvement of the recipient is, by definition, rooted in Din. However, this aspect of Din as it relates to Tochecha is focused only on its superficial manifestation, but, at its root, that which motivates the one giving the Tochecha is a deep love which is expressed in his or her caring for another and a desire to see them at their best.

Tochecha  is Chesed cloaked in Din; Chesed  is the light, Din is the vessel. This is what makes Tochecha so difficult as it requires two opposite traits and it is difficult to balance them in one act. On the one hand the person's heart much be full of love, while at the same time his mouth is focused on critique. By nature, Chesed would say to overlook and forgive, whereas Din demands anger which can overcome the heart and will often drive out any sense of love. Others are so rooted in Chesed that they overlook everything and do not offer Tochecha at all. This is also untenable as there are times when a person is obligated to offer Tochecha for example a parent to a child or a teacher to a student.

The challenge lies in finding the balance between these two traits and uniting them so that love fills the entire person and he only sees good, love and blessing, and then cloak that in Din so that he can offer an effective critique which will inspire an other to improve.

As we continue we will first examine each aspect separately, the Chesed and then the Din.
דברים תת"ז

The True Chossid

אין חסיד אלא המתחסד עם קונו
The Tikkunei Zohar teaches us that the true Chossid is one who is kind to his Creator. Why is this?
One who loves one of God's creations, even if he is full of love towards it, his love is limited as it is is directed to only one part of Creation. To the rest of Creation he has no feelings of love. He is therefore not connected to the light of Chessed (kindness) which permeates all of Creation. One who is connected to the light of Chessed itself feels a love that is deeply essential and is not limited to a particular recipient of that love. One who feels love only towards those he loves, and towards others he feels no love is lacking the essential Chassidus, it is merely something that he experiences now and then towards his children or some other target of his affection.
True Chassidus is intimately connected with the Godly Chessed which permeates all of Creation with no limits. The goodness of Hashem and His mercy extends to all of his creatures. The same is true for all those who have truly connected to Chassidus. Love of Hashem is the root of the love for all.
ה"ו שנ"ו

Extra Credit

Acts of Chassidus (in context Chassidus refers to behaviors that are beyond what one is obligated to do by the Torah and the person is taking them on) depend on the roots of one's own Neshama. Each person is rooted in different aspects of spirituality which are the areas in which he or she is meant to operate. This is why we find that different righteous people emphasized distinctly different areas of Chassidus. Each one sought to add behaviors that were commensurate with his own spiritual inclinations. One whose soul is rooted in Chesed is meant to seek out unique opportunities to perform Chesed. One whose soul is rooted in Malchus should be especially scrupulous in his performance of Mitzvos. In order for Chassidus to be real, a person needs to understand his own spiritual roots so that he does not undertake behaviors of others that are not appropriate for his own spiritual makeup, and will only serve to damage those areas in which he is more connected.
ה"ו שנ"ג

Being Present

The present is what is most important. It is for this reason that the primary name of Hashem is י--ה---ו--ה a name which indicates that He is always in the present.
What does it mean to be in the present? It means to succeed in focusing on the present to the extent that one has no thoughts on anything other than what he is involved with at this moment. The reason we spend so much time thinking about the future and the past is because we are not fully invested in the present. Since we aren't completely immersed in what is occurring now, our energy becomes scattered and we jump to day dreams of the future or reminiscences of the past.
The fact that we are experiencing time, the past and the future, shows how weak is our grasp on the present. If we felt the richness of the present, there would be no room to be feeling anything else. Olam HaBa, the World to Come should not be understood as day after day with no end for all eternity. That isn't eternity, it is past, present and future with no end in sight. Eternity is above any concept of time. It is a state of always being in the present until there is no feeling of any other time, past or future.
We don't mean to say that the past is unimportant. We need to learn from the past, to know where we are coming from and where we are heading. The future is important as we need to use the present to set ourselves on a productive path for the future. But both past and future are tools to direct the present, anything else is memory and fantasy. They are important, but only as a means to the primary, and one cannot allow them to define the present. They need to be used where they are helpful, and pushed away when they limit us.
ח"ת פ"א

Inside... Outside

Within a person's being there is an inherent contradiction. On the one hand we find ourselves surrounded by many boundaries, on the other hand, internally, we desire to reconnect to the infinite, to break out of all boundaries and to enjoy the infinite benefits. It is this struggle and the eventual victory of the soul, the infinite that is with us, that is the reason for Creation. This can only be accomplished in a limited world, and not in an infinite dimension. Only the finite which seems to be so constricting, can bring forth the infinite in such a wondrous manner.
We find our limitations to be very difficult. Some people allow  the limitations to lead them to giving up, bitterness, frustration and feeling down. They are focused on what isn't, on the boundaries and on the pain. There is a broader way to view the difficulties and that is by realizing that they are an integral part of what creates life, movement and progress. The world would never progress if there was no pain, without difficulty and without there being limitations. The deficiencies found within the world are what push people to find their inner strength to overcome the obstacles. We can see the contradiction between the internal and the superficial, between the infinite and the finite, as something frustrating that we cannot escape. But we can also see it as an opportunity to grow, to gain, to find new streams of life to be victorious, and give birth to something new. To not allow external forces to overcome us, to darken our spirits and take away our joi de vivre.
Sometimes our life's circumstances change. Suddenly we discover that things that we were able to do previously we can no longer do. This can also lead to frustration. But at its root is a great opportunity to dig deep into one's essence and draw forth new abilities that can overcome the challenges. Deep down the soul is free and not limited by external factors. From the freedom of the soul one can find the strength to free himself from a no-longer-existent past. Rather than longing for a time that was and is no longer, he can become free and look at the present, find the light within, and choose it. While this is difficult, the more we believe in our internal freedom, the more it becomes possible.
The two primary limitations are time and space. Removing oneself from the limitations of time includes becoming free of the past, including those good things that were in the past and are no longer. Good things can become obstacles. They were fun when you had them and frustrations when they are gone. We have the ability to enjoy them, and not allow them to interfere with out freedom. We can forget them and progress further.
ח"ת ע"ט

Tekia, Teruah - Part II

All difficulties and deficiencies within Creation emanate from boundaries and tzimtzum (constriction). The simple light of God is complete and lacking nothing, but the appearance of creations that are separate created room for blemishes. When a creation is bounded, and then strays out of bounds, it is problematic. Evil is defined as stepping out of bounds, which creates difficulties for the one who has stepped out, and all those around him. If a person plays just one note on an instrument it is never wrong. A note can only be wrong when it is in the middle of a song and the wrong note is played. Because the note is not harmonious with the surrounding notes, the entire composition is ruined. The same is true of our actions. There is no such thing as a wrong action in a vacuum, it is always the context which defines our acts. It is the fact that there are multitudes within creation that creates room for deficiencies. These multitudes are symbolized by the Teruah, the Schechinah.

The Tikkun is achieved by returning to the source of Oneness prior to the existence of distinctions and multiplicity. We begin with a Tekiah, move to multiplicity with the Teruah, and then return once again to Unity with yet another Tekiah, the return to the source. Rosh Hashana is called יום תרועה, a day of Teruah because our focus today is on taking the Teruah and returning it to its source. This is why the Seforim explain that Rosh Hashana is the day of fixing the Schechina by returning it to its upper place in the light of Hashem which is unblemished. By doing so the Schechina rises above any damage caused by sins and other deficiencies of Creation, and it returns home undamaged and perfect. The Teruah is equal to the Tekia with no difference at all. This is why Halacha states that they must be of equal length to show the Schechina returning to its source unblemished. 

The relationship between the Teruah and Tekia is akin to the relationship between the infinite and the finite, between unbounded light, and Creation with boundaries. But the fundamental sound is identical, only the breaks are new, not the sound. This teaches us that within the finite, in a world of boundaries, is found the infinite light. It is the simple sound, from which the Teruah and the entire panoply of sounds, is heard as an echo of the infinite light.

ח"ת ע"ה